A few weeks ago, my mother had the kids at her house while I had a “Staycation” in Las Vegas with my boyfriend. We spent the weekend hanging by the pool, going to great dinners, playing poker.. (I fricken love those weekends!) By Sunday night, I was in total relaxation mode.. but then I got the call.
“Hi Mommy! Guess what? Grandma put purple streaks in my hair!” -Angelina Ford, age 8.
“Why the f*ck would my mom do that?” “Who the hell does she think she is?” “I don’t care if she’s her grandmother, she has no right to dye my kid’s hair!” “That’s it, I’m gonna cuss her out…” -These are a few of the thoughts that jumped right in my head.
Luckily, because of years of practicing how to react when I get angry (It’s been a long road), I was able to refrain from calling her back immediately and giving her a piece of my mind. Instead, I decided to think about it for a little while and think through what I would say to express my feelings about the incident and also make it clear that I didn’t want another similar situation coming up again.
I had the conversation, my mom understood and luckily purple is a color that fades out pretty quickly, so it’s all good now.
I shared this story because a lot of girls have written to me that a big issue for them is their mom trying to raise their kid. It’s even worse when you live at your mom’s house and she’s helping you out financially.
How are you supposed to tell your mom that you don’t approve of something when she’s helping to support you and you’d be lost without her?
Here are 5 things to remember when you want to tell your mom off:
1) JUST ZIP IT!
I know how hard this one is. When you’re so pissed about something that you can literally feel yourself getting hot and start to shake, there is no way that anything helpful is going to come out of your mouth.. so just shut it. Put your hands over it, walk out of the room; whatever you have to do to NOT say exactly what’s on your mind in that moment.
Even if you know you’re right about the issue and you want them to know that you’re pissed, sometimes not saying anything gets the point across better than yelling. When you yell at somebody, you give away your power. You especially don’t want to do that in this situation where your argument is about power to begin with. Criminals have said that they love getting cops to yell at them because then they know that they have the power.. it’s weird, but it’s true. So just zip those lips and throw away the key.. for at least a few minutes.
2) WEAR YOUR MOM’S SHOES
Not literally of course, unless you happen to wear the same size and she has a decent fashion sense.. but stop to think about her side of things for a minute and ask yourself a few questions..
Does she know that what she’s doing bothers you? Have you actually talked to her about it? You can’t just assume she knows what’s in your head. What a great world we would live in if everyone just knew what our expectations were and then followed through.
Are her intentions good or bad? Is she deliberately trying to piss you off or show you who’s in charge? Or is she maybe just not putting herself in your shoes and hasn’t thought about how you would feel about it? More often than not, she just hasn’t these steps to see your view point.
3) DECIDE IF SHE’S HARMING YOUR CHILD OR YOUR EGO
Is she making bad decisions for your kid that are definitely wrong like driving without a car seat (or dying her hair)? Or is she making decisions that are just not her place to make like deciding on a theme for a nursery or birthday party?
It’s OK to be mad at your mom for either, you just first need to be clear on if this is a genuine safety or health issue or if your mom is just crossing her boundaries.
4) CREATE A SCRIPT
When it comes to explaining your frustrations with someone, less is more. People have short attention spans (even your mom) so giving a 15 minutes speech or writing a novel telling her all of the issues you have will actually be a lot less effective than a short paragraph that is concise and well written.
Here is a sample speech to use:
“Mom, I want you to know I’m trying to be the best mom that I can right now. But it’s very hard for me to do that when I feel like I’m not in control of (insert child’s name). I know you have the best interest at heart but when you take it upon yourself to make a decision like (insert decision here) then that’s 1 less decision I get to make and those kind of decisions are part of being a mom. I understand you’re trying to help and I totally appreciate all that you do for me but can you please, from now on, run things like that by me first?”
5) HUG IT OUT
You’d be nowhere without your mom and even though she’s a pain in the ass sometimes, you gotta make sure she knows how much you appreciate her.
Now you tell me! What kinds of things does your mom decide to take it upon herself to do? How do you usually handle these kind of situations?
Leave your story in the comments below…